So it’s now it’s almost been a week since the last fight that The Boyfriend and I got into (a minor one, but a fight nonetheless) and I still feel like the entire issue hasn’t been resolved, even though we’re both acting like it has been. Him especially. Unfortunately, it’s causing me more emotional turmoil with each passing day. And now it’s not because of anything to do with the original issue.
Yesterday was an incredibly rough day to start out with. My Mom had asked, “How are you and The Boyfriend doing?” and next thing you know, I was snapping all over the place about it. I thought it wasn’t that bad, but then I realized that I was still really rattled by it. Ever since, it seems like I’m finding faults in The Boyfriend that I never thought he had before, all because of this stupid incident.
I’m not sure if it was my Mom or me who put it out there that maybe I was projecting a little bit (a massive under-exaggeration) of what Alfie and I’s relationship was onto what The Boyfriend and I’s relationship is. It’s hard when you spend 6 years of your life with a person, and there is so much betrayal and lying and sneaking around, to remember that not every guy is going to be like that. To remember that just because I was so badly hurt by Alfie doesn’t mean that The Boyfriend is out to badly hurt me too.
I can’t believe how much I’ve written about this in the last few days. My notebook at work has a good 7 or 8 pages dedicated just to this situation (with the odd, “Oh my word, work is being incredibly boring today” thrown in there). I keep trying to convince myself that I’m not wrong for being upset about this and it sucks, because I really am upset about it. Again, it’s not the app, it’s the reaction. And I keep thinking that his reaction, or lack thereof, is speaking much louder than he ever could about how he feels about this relationship. And I hate hate hate that!!
I just wish we could go back to before I found out about this. Then again, at some point, I’d probably find out about it and imagine how much more upset I’d be if this was something he kept from me for months and months on end. For all I know, it has been months… I also keep thinking, if it was such a tiny and insignificant thing, why did he want to keep it hidden? I keep wondering, what was really on there. And of course, he’s deleted it now, so there’s no way I’ll ever be able to confirm whether or not he’s lying or telling the truth. And that bugs me a lot.
I keep saying that all I want is an apology. But really, all I want is for him to take accountability for his actions. That was always my biggest contention in Alfie and I’s relationship, is that he would never be accountable for the things that he did. Instead, he’d find a way to blame it on me, or blame it on his family or mine. So of course, because he won’t take accountability, he won’t acknowledge that what he did was in any way wrong (and it was because he knew it would make me mad), I automatically start thinking “He’s just like Alfie”… And slowly everything snowballs to all I can see and hear is Alfie. Every action, every movement, everything, even though it’s him standing there, it feels like it’s not him and instead it’s the guy that I did a hell of a lot to get away from!!
I hate how every guy I’ve ever dated says to me, “I’m not like most guys!” and I’m beginning to realize that if it walks like a guy, and talks like a guy, then it’s a freaking guy! And I really truly believed that The Boyfriend was nothing like most guys. I’ve gone through the last 3 years thinking he’s more compassionate, more sensitive, more caring, more respectful, more loving, etc. than most guys, and this one little thing is completely proving me wrong. Because a compassionate, caring, sensitive and respectful guy, in my opinion, would not carry on doing things that he clearly knows upset his girlfriend. He knew the second he downloaded that app, that if I found out about it, I would be upset.
And the worst part of it all is, we’ll never freaking know. We’ll never know if he would’ve just let me find that app, how I would’ve reacted to it. He didn’t even give me the chance to be upset about the app. Instead, I get to feel upset about all the things that I believe this now means. Which is definitely far worse than just being upset about the app. Now on top of upset, I feel hurt and I’m in hardcore questioning everything that our relationship has been mode.
It just all seems so much more complicated and complex than it could have been and that’s just bugging the crap out of me. It could’ve been so different…
NOTE: This was written a day or two ago and it seems that things have died down. I haven’t been thinking about the incident as much and while nothing has been said about the incident, I do feel like his overall demeanor towards me has been that of minor remorse. I don’t think he ever thinks ahead of time of how what he does affects other people. I guess this is just another one of those issues we’ll be continuing working on overcoming. Next time though, it better be different!!