The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

This post is intended for adults 18+

What do you do?



What do you do when you can’t get what you want sexually, because your partner is not interested?

This whole lack of kinkiness thing is starting to drive me absolutely nuts. I do fine for so long and then wham! It really starts to bring me down, because I was so darn close and now it seems like it’s never ever going to happen and I didn’t exactly sign on to that. He used to show some sort of interest, somewhere a long the line, and now there is absolutely no interest.

I used to push for the interest and I’d constantly bug him to show some interest and when that didn’t work, I stopped pushing. Then I got pregnant, and it seemed like the interest came on very naturally for him. I was getting spankings at least once a week, we were going to munches, he would actually watch YouTube videos with me about rope tying and things like that and though it still wasn’t exactly what I want, it was a hell of a lot closer. Then baby was born and the interest went completely out the window.

The last time I had any sort of spanking was a few weeks back and that was one playful and hard smack on the ass. That was it. I’m not complaining about the sex itself, because the sex lately has been out of this world good. But I’ve gotten no kink whatsoever and it’s just kind of driving me insane. It would all be so different if things weren’t the way that they were…

He’s begun reading Sadopaeidia, one of my erotic novels, on a regular basis. Lots of spanking and whipping in that book. Then we’ve been watching porn a lot lately and even though it’s more vanilla Hustler porn, it’s got tons of spanking in it. I wouldn’t say anything if he were turned off by that stuff while he was reading and watching, then I would totally believe that he has no interest whatsoever. But it’s not like he’s turned off by it, instead it seems to keep him going.

I just don’t understand why he can fantasize about kink, but when there is a willing subject begging right in front of him, he can’t act on it. I miss the days when I would say I want a flogging or a cropping, and then I would get it. I miss the days of seriously talking about things like domestic discipline and possible punishments and rewards. I miss the days of feeling like anything kinky was even slightly a possibility.

And I understand completely that to him, there are things that stand in the way. Mostly kid-related stuff. By the time all of them are asleep, one of the last thing on our minds is sex of any kind. Most of the time, we both just want to veg and get ready for bed. Another hinderance is the volume of things. While I am much quieter during a spanking than I am sex, the slapping sound does tend to wake sleeping ones. Not only does a 4-year-old walking in on a spanking session totally ruin the moment, but it’s a pain in the ass to explain why Daddy is hurting Mommy…

We’re also both so exhausted and overwhelmed all the time that it’s a wonder I get laid at all… I just wish there could be some sort of interest. A few weeks back, I stayed on FetLife for over two hours because they were streaming the MorpheusBondageExtravaganza Live. Tons of rigging and rope work were involved and The Boyfriend knows that it really interests me. Not once did he willingly look over to my computer screen to see what I was watching and it took multiple times of trying to get his attention to make him watch at all. His interest in the whole thing is just not there, the way it used to be.

And if I weren’t so uncomfortable with the idea of cheating on him, I’d be totally down to do it, just to be able to get at least a little kinky release. It’s not even a sex thing for me (although, I like it more when that follows a session…), it’s a total mental thing for me, a physical thing sure, but sexual – only with him… I’ve even tried asking about the possibility of me seeking out a female to play with, that way there’s no jealousy about another guy. I’ve even said that it could be completely non-sexual, though getting him to believe that is next to impossible. His answer is always that he doesn’t want to share. Which I’d be completely fine with if I was getting something at home…

It just sucks that 2 years ago, I had weekly spankings and he encouraged me to buy a flogger and we were going to munches and now, I haven’t gotten a real spanking in… I don’t even want to try to figure out how long it has been… My flogger sits unused, and for the longest time it was completely lost (which I still think he did intentionally…) and we haven’t been to any kink-related events in almost a year, even though I keep planning to go to one every month…

It’s just a little bit disheartening and it makes me sad when I think about it too much. I have been interested in the “lifestyle” for too long now without getting any real experience. 11 years ago, when I first started getting interested in BDSM, I didn’t expect that this long later, I would still be able to say that I’ve never had my pain threshold crossed, or that I’ve never had an over-the-knee spanking, or that none of my kinks are getting acted out. Sometimes it just sucks and I have no idea what to do about it.

It’s all so complicated and I hate it!

Author: Valerie Rayne

Valerie Rayne is a wannabe kinkster, blog-a-holic and mom of five ranting about life, love and blogging. She is also the founder of The Erotic Writers Group, a community for #EroticWriters and #EroticReaders to connect, share, learn and inspire.

4 thoughts on “What do you do?

  1. Have you let him know that even though you love him you feel it’s hurting your relationship? Maybe you just have to be firm and tell him if he doesn’t give you what you desire you’re going to find female partner that will. Don’t ask, just tell him. See how he reacts and hopefully he’ll start giving you what you want.

    Other methods would be to put yourself in submissive situations for him to find. If you have a couple set’s of handcuffs restrain yourself to the bed for him to find. You can add a blindfold & gag if you have those. Leave a whip (or whatever you use for a spanking instrument) on the bed besides you. Lastly leave a note telling him you hid the handcuff keys. His job is to “persuade” you to tell him where they are. Another thing is if you two have alone time surprise him in something sexy & kinky. If he’s in the living room walk out wearing lingerie and have your hands restrained behind your back. See if that excites him.

    Anyway I really hope you two are able to work this out because I can understand your desires.

    ~Jess XX~

  2. I recently came across your blog. I feel like I can relate to much of what I have read, from both sides of the issue so I thought I would share.

    One thing I learned is sometimes what appears to be the problem is actually a symptom of one or more underlying problems that need to be addressed for the situation to improve. Attempting to treat the symptom can make the real problem worse. When it comes to men, it can be hard to treat their issues because many have the “Male Pride” factor and find it difficult to discuss topics surrounding their ability or desire to perform.

    Decreased Libido or desire can be caused by many things. Often medication, exhaustion or depression can reduce desire or even inhibit the ability to perform.
    Sometimes exhaustion and stress, both physically and mentally, can really impact men’s desire and ability. Like someone ripped their libido out. Mentally a man may want to, and I mean really, really want to play but physically his ability & desire is diminished. Though the woman may feel like he is not attracted to her, it really is not the case, When feeling pressure to perform (Whether internally or by a partner) It can lead to more anxiety and feelings of inadequacy which further inhibits the ability and desire to perform.

    The mind is a strong influence on our bodies. Sometimes just initiating by touching, rubbing, or attempting to entice is enough to work a person up and get some action going but the underlying cause will be there. It will be a problem until it is addressed no matter how much a person or their partner want the desire to return to “Normal”

    I also relate to the Vanilla/Lifestyle issue. That can often be a separate issue from the loss of desire, though they often feel intertwined.

  3. Pingback: That Bastard!!!! | Valerie Rayne Rants

  4. Pingback: Tips From My Readers | Valerie Rayne Rants

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