The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

But…

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I am so ready for this month to be over. I know it just started and everything, but I wish it’d just end already. Hell, I’m ready for the next few months to be over because I just don’t want to deal with all of this crap.

So first things first, our hot water gets cut off. No big deal, most of what gets done around the house doesn’t need hot water and for the things that do, there’s always boiling pots of water on the stove. And luckily, for now, my Mom only lives a block and a half away, showers can be taken at her house.

Then, our electricity gets cut off. Again, thank goodness for my Mom (and her boyfriend…), so that we’re not sitting here in the dark without the ability to put movies on for the kids or use our stove – because the 2 1/2 days of that was pure hell!

I’m not exactly sure where and how everything financially speaking is getting so out of control. Yes, if we could quit smoking it would save us a pretty penny, eventually or something. But that’s not exactly 100% doable. When we work it out on paper and create our monthly budget, and that’s over pricing how much we spend on things like take out or how much our grocery bill is, once the money starts rolling in, it just doesn’t work.

So after we got the electricity turned back on, we thought we were going to be okayish, at least for a bit. Then the dreaded rent payment day arrived. I seriously hate this time of month, because I never have all of rent on the 1st. Well, not never. It’s happened before and I’m sure eventually it will happen again. But with the way our paydays work, it’s easier to pay half on the 1st and the other half a week later, and I’m lucky enough to have a landlord that will let that happen.

But lately, he’s been feeling some financial strain himself, so he’s on everyone’s case to start paying on time. So now, for everyday we’re late there’s a $20 late fee. I always hate that kind of stuff, because if I couldn’t afford to pay you all of your rent on time, what makes you think that I can afford to pay you $20 for every additional day that I don’t pay. It doesn’t logically make sense. But that’s the dice that has been rolled and now I have to deal with it.

Which in turn makes me so sure that we’re going to be coming up on an eviction right away… Which wouldn’t be so bad since we’re all wanting to move, but the chances of finding something in our “budget” that will allow a total of 6 people to live there is not going to be easy. Every time I think about it, it just reminds me of the constant gut-wrenching horribleness when I was looking for this place.

I don’t know how many places I called back then, but it was ALOT! It took me weeks of searching (almost an entire month), tons of tears and more than enough hope and disappointment. The second I said that I had 3 kids, 2 at home and 1 in the hospital, people automatically turned me down. I had to look for 3 bedrooms, even though I knew I could never afford a 3 bedroom. I was lucky as hell to find this place, especially when I did, because I definitely didn’t want to bring Keirnan home from the hospital to a hotel room…

So needless to say, things are stressful around here. I was supposed to go pay a portion of the rent today, but we don’t have any of it. So I have to call my landlord tomorrow and tell him that he’ll have to wait for the full amount until the 8th, when we’ll be getting a paycheck and a payday loan to pay off rent. Which just screws us over for rent next month, but it’s necessary right now. And that’s making it all the worse, because I can just see it’s going to be a long hard road financially speaking…

Then there’s all the stuff I have to do this week, and my Mom’s rushing me to get it done now, now, now. Which I understand and totally get, but while I’m feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, adding a few more things to the list is seriously bumming me out. It’s making it so hard for me to force myself out of bed every morning, because my list just keeps getting longer and longer. When I think I’ve fixed one thing, ten more things get added. It’s exhausting, it’s overwhelming and frankly, it’s just plain annoying!

I know I sound like a whiny baby and I’m really just venting, because this is fixable, or at least in some ways I believe it is. To a degree. I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not looking forward to the stress, I’m not looking forward to the work, I would rather just not do it… Unfortunately, that’s not an option.

So, I threw out a few resumes this week. I really don’t want to leave my job and I’m hoping that I’ll find something that works around this job. But otherwise, I need something full-time, that’s going to earn me a full-time wage. We’re also trying to cut down on other costs, though it’s still in the very beginning stages. But things like turning off the lights when we leave a room, except the bathroom (because I can’t sleep without that light…). Even though we’ve been sucking at it, turning off the TV when both The Boyfriend and I are on our respective computers.

I’m hoping this week, we can try to at least cut down on the smoking. I wish we could just quit it cold turkey, but I honestly panic when I think about it. It’s kind of become my safety blanket. When I’m upset with the kids, I have a smoke with the hopes it will calm me down. When I’m hungry but don’t want to eat, I have a smoke. It’s not even the smoke itself that calms me down, it’s the exhaling of the smoke that calms me down. Watching the smoke come out of my mouth. I’m not ready to quit yet… I know, I know, they’re all just excuses.

I’ve also got a bunch of errands that I have to run tomorrow, which makes it a hectic Monday, which I always hate! First thing in the morning, gotta go over to Mom’s for a shower. Then the bus, then work, then quickly to the library to drop off overdue movies and then to go get the kids birth certificates so that I can get Carter on my child tax benefit. I know, I know, I should have done that a year and a half ago…

So many mistakes, so many consequences. In other news, we’ve gone to the exercise park two days in a row, and if our weather holds out, we’ll do it again tomorrow. Mainly because now with Kaeidyn being out of school, it’s very rough on me mentally to be stuck inside the house with all four of the kids all day long. It never used to be like this, but lately, it’s just been absolutely rough.

None of the kids seem to be listening lately, they are all full of questions that I can’t or don’t want to answer, they are constantly arguing with each other or using their “friends” outside to gang up on one another. They’ve all just been a little out of control. The worst part is, just when we think any of our disciplinary tactics is working, it all just goes out the window in an instant.

For example, we had a really bad day the day before yesterday. So when the kids went to bed, they were told the safety gate was going up and if they took it down they would be grounded all day. Well, when I woke up the next morning, the safety gate was down and they had gotten into the juice crystals, which they’ve decided they like to lick their fingers and then stick them in the juice and suck it off their fingers. Yuck!

Or another example, stay in the yard or you get grounded from going outside to play. So they did fine for a little bit. They played nicely in the front yard. Then the boys came in and Kaeidyn wandered off three or four houses down… Needless to say she got grounded and had a pissy attitude for the rest of the day.

But no matter what kind of punishment we’ve tried so far, it doesn’t seem to get any better. For a few moments and then WHAM! They’re right back to being bad. We think it’s mostly just boredom, hence the visits to the exercise park. Also, it’s a little bit trying to get them tuckered out enough that bed time isn’t a two hour fight.

Today’s visit to the exercise park was interesting to say the least. We knew the weather wasn’t that great, it had started to get a little windy out and the clouds were graying, but we figured we had some time to play around. Within about five minutes of being there, a huge chunk of hail falls. Then another, and then it was beating down really hard. Hurt so bad when it bounced off your ears! So we rushed home to get out of the hail/rain. Once we got inside though, wouldn’t you know the sun came out…

I still wish I could just skip this month all together and that everything falls into place while I’m skipping it. Wishful thinking I suppose. Well that was a much longer rant than I intended. If you’re still reading, I thank you!

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Author: Valerie Rayne

Valerie Rayne is a wannabe kinkster, blog-a-holic and mom of five ranting about life, love and blogging. She is also the founder of The Erotic Writers Group, a community for #EroticWriters and #EroticReaders to connect, share, learn and inspire.

One thought on “But…

  1. Me & Kara automatically have a set amount taking out of our checks each week towards the rent. This way when we budget everything else for the month it’s based on what we get take home each week minus the rent. Once the 1st comes we always have the money on time and it’s not an issue.

    ~Jess~

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