The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

This post is intended for adults 18+



It seems like almost all day today, I’ve been thinking about and fantasizing about punishment in an erotic sort of way… It’s gotten increasingly stronger all day and that last episode of Star Trek (Voyager, Season 3, Episode: Favorite Son) pushed it straight over the edge as a group of women bonded themselves to another male with black sashes on his wrists, eyes and mouth.

Kink in general has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I have a craving at least once a day for a spanking – it’s been so damn long since I’ve had one that I almost don’t even remember what it feels like or why I seriously enjoy it… At least twice this week alone I’ve felt angry that I’ve spent money on a flogger and a crop that never gets used…

Unfortunately, no matter how much I beg or how much I ask for it or how much we discuss it, it seems like we never ever get closer to the sort of relationship dynamic I long for. It probably wouldn’t even bother me so much if he’d just show a little tiny bit of interest.

Lately, all I’ve been able to think about is being punished. Being caned for my disobedience, or being put in the corner or not being allowed to make eye contact or something… I want us to have rules that I have to listen to or it will result in punishment, period with no exceptions. Obviously it wouldn’t be easy, but we would figure out a way to make it work and be hella erotic all at the same time.

It would be so hot if say one of the rules was that I had to have some area of the house cleaned by a certain time. If I didn’t have it done by that time, then he would whisper in my ear that as soon as the kids are asleep, I will be punished for my wrong doing. Then after all the kids are asleep, wham! I get the punishment and am taught a valuable lesson about why I should listen to the rules. When you listen, you get rewards, rewards full of pleasure.

I wonder if it’s even worth it to keep dreaming of this stuff. I’ve made my vanilla bed and now I have to lie in it. Part of me feels like I should just forget about all my interests in kink, because it’s really getting me nowhere. The other part of me remembers how wonderful it was getting it for that short period of time and it’s fighting me to hold onto it… I hate feeling confused about my sexuality in this way, because I’m normally so sure, but lately, not so much. I feel like I’m so stuck in this in-between type of place, and it’s frustrating.

Author: Valerie Rayne

Valerie Rayne is a wannabe kinkster, blog-a-holic and mom of six ranting about life, love and blogging. She is also the creator of WTMFI Wednesdays, a weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality.

4 thoughts on “Punished…

  1. Have you talked to your bf (or husband….sorry, can’t remember if you’re married) about serving someone else to help you fulfill your desires. The Mistress I serve from time to time is married. Her husband has no interest in D/s or BDSM. However he gave her permission to Domme someone else. The only stipulation was it had to be a woman. Since we’ve been together she’s told me how happy she is that her husband lets her explore these desires.
    Maybe you need to tell him if he has no interest you really need to find someone to explore it with.


    • Not married, don’t think I ever will be (by choice more than anything), but yes I’ve talked to The Boyfriend about it. He doesn’t seem to take it very seriously and it normally doesn’t go further then a quick conversation. I’ve already decided that it wouldn’t be with another guy, because I would much rather it be with a girl. My big problem there is I don’t even know how to start any type of relationship, kinky or not, with a girl.

      I also don’t want to risk what I have in this relationship just so that I can explore kink. On one hand it feels worth it, but outside of that one thing, this is the most satisfying and loving relationship I’ve ever been in. I don’t want to make him feel inadequate, which he’s not. It’s so hard to talk to him about anything, because he’s not the most expressive of guys.

      I think our biggest problem is that he has a lot of false views of what BDSM is and what it involves. Like he was convinced that to be a guy in the scene meant you had to wear tight latex and leather clothing and it wasn’t until we went to a party that he changed his mind. With his lack of interest in the whole thing, he also has never taken the time to find out where my interests lie, so he’s thinking that I want something WAY more intense than I actually do. Our communication where kink is concerned is so limited thanks to his lack of interest…

  2. I understand what you’re saying. Before entering the relationship with Scarlett (the Mistress I serve) I talked it over with Kara. To make sure there wouldn’t be a problem I met with Scarlett’s husband and she met with Kara. Things clicked great between all of us.

    Have you thought of initiating a little D/s. After the kids are in bed, slip into something sexy and crawl to him while wearing a collar and leash. Once you’re in front of him give him the leash and tell him your his to command. Something else would be handcuff yourself to the headboard (if you have one you can do this with) and wait for him. Maybe leave any kink toys (vibes, gags, blindfold, clamps, etc..) you have next to you on the bed. Once he comes in and sees you all helpless it should hopefully excite him to the point of wanting to use you.

    Hopefully you can find a way to fulfill these desires.

    ~Jess XX~

  3. Pingback: Tips From My Readers | Valerie Rayne Rants

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