Don’t ask me why, because I’m not sure, but I just feel like today has been a big disappointing failure. Even though we got a ton of cleaning done, and watched another disc of Gilmore Girls and saw my brother (who, have I mentioned, is doing wonderfully since I last wrote about it. I’m so proud of him!), I just feel like today was a fail. I had all these plans to get stuff done online today and I didn’t. Instead I messaged an old friend who is starting her own website.
I checked out her website, and loved the concept of it, but had a few suggestions. I’ve never made suggestions on any website, and I was a little hesitant about it, but then I thought about what I know and what I could see improving on the site, and about how much I love getting feedback from my readers. It’s still in what I call pre-launch stage, so I figured it would be the perfect time. People shouldn’t post things like “leave us your feedback” if they’re just going to blow you off when you give it. Not that she really blew me off. I guess I’m just being sensitive about it.
I feel down that other people can make friends online and get advice about all the hard work they put into their online world. I feel sad that I have no one to bounce my online ideas off of. I hate that I’m not a part of something, that 100 views is a huge deal to me. And yet I can’t even carry on an online friendship with anyone. My social life sucks!
Then the kids got home today, and I was so happy to see them. But Keirnan had a pull-up on, which I really hate and the kids kept telling me that they stay up until their Dad gets home (at 2 AM), and that they don’t really spend anytime with him since he’s always at work. So, I was automatically angry and kept saying, “These weekends have to end”. My mind is just spinning with the whole idea of not letting them go there anymore, but at the same time thinking that I’ll be robbing them of something.
I was always angry with my Mom that she made it so hard for my Dad. Looking back on it all now, I know she was just doing it to keep us safe and protected. I know that he could’ve put more effort into simply following the few rules she laid out, and I know that he could’ve tried to understand where my protective mother was coming from. But, I always always wonder if she hadn’t have done all that protecting, would my Dad and I have a better relationship? I don’t want to rob my kids of having the best possible relationship with their Dad, even if I don’t think it’s necessarily good for them…
The worst part is, we had a really seriously screwed up relationship, the kids Dad and I. I don’t know if my judgement is blurred on everything. I go to the people in my life, who have seen what I went through, and they automatically say things like “follow your gut” or “don’t let it happen” or “keep the kids away from them”, but I don’t trust their judgement either. They were hurt via my hurt, and the kids shouldn’t be robbed of their Dad because we’re hurt… I just keep arguing with myself.
The next worst part is that he knows me. He knows I can’t stick to my gut when I feel guilty. He also hung over my head for years that I was “taking” his kids away from him. And that brings out so much guilt. He knows if he plays his cards right, I’ll bend and fold on anything, just like I did with my rule of the kids not going up there when he had to work.
At first, it was only excused because it was Christmas. I don’t do anything for Christmas. I don’t hang decorations, I only buy presents because I have to, I don’t do dinner or cookies. Last year, my family, his family and The Boyfriend’s family all had to talk me into putting up a tree, because it’s just not something I do. I’m too bah humbug at Christmas to celebrate it. His family on the other hand, does a huge Christmas thing. Dinner with all the trimmings, decorations galore, family and friends, hundreds of dollars on gifts. Christmas is good there. I excused the fact that he worked almost the entire time, because I knew the kids would be occupied with all the fun of Christmas there.
But now, it’s still happening. And I imagine, he’s not going to just stop. He’s going to keep going and keep calling and asking if he can have them even if he knows he works. I bet he’ll even lie, or at least leave out the part about him having to work. Or Keirnan and coming home in pull-ups. That one seriously bugs me. He’s potty-trained, he’s a big boy. He doesn’t need pull-ups!
The topper of the cake though, was when one of the kids found a book that I had gotten a really long time ago. It was right after I got out of Ponoka and everyone was all worried that he would take me to court and try to take the kids away. Because he said he would… “The Effective Parent”. I went through so much to be able to prove that I was the best parent for the kids. I jumped through hoops, went to workshops and courses, saw therapists and counselors. The entire book just made me argue even more with myself about the whole thing. I’m not even sure what the argument is anymore…
I just feel down and out tonight. Just straight up, bummed out. I need to call my landlord tomorrow to fix my toilet so that I can take a bath… Yes, the two are somehow connected. To top it all off, I have an appointment tomorrow and I have no idea at what time. Plus, Keirnan is supposed to go get all his teeth work done in a couple days and I haven’t prepared for it all. We don’t have yogurt or ice cream or pudding, and I need to get the kids Dad to talk to his step-mom because she’s offered to pay for it. So on top of being bummed out, I’m stressed out…