I hate nights like this, where I’m given time and quiet enough to really sit and think about my life. It gives me time to think about all the things in my life that I want, and am nowhere close to having, and the things that seem like no matter how much I hope for, are never going to be attainable.
Almost half of my life has been a constant waiting game to get the things that I want. And almost all of that time has just been one door shut after another. Everything seems so far out of reach and I hate it. And then I sit around thinking about what I’m doing to obtain these things, and the answer is “not much”.
I’m talking mainly about sexual things, BDSM things. I mean, yes, this whole situation is true for just about every other aspect of my life, but I prefer not to think about that stuff right now, because it’s overwhelming and stresses me out. I just feel like I’ve wasted so much precious time.
Some of the things I’ve wanted to do, and haven’t include:
- Fetish Modeling/Photography
Aside from my foot photos, I haven’t done any of it. And it’s been on my list of things to do for years and years now. I desperately want to go to a photoshoot and even more desperately want to be tied in uncomfortable and sexy positions while someone snaps pictures of me frantically.
I want to be behind the camera, taking pictures of beautiful feet and bums and breasts. I want to take and be a part of the artistic and creative movement of erotic fetish photography.
What am I doing to be a part of this? Even though I am a member of the local fetish and photography group on FetLife (which seems to be alot of talk and almost no action), and even though I’m a member on ModelMayhem (though check it maybe once or twice a year), I’m not really seeking it out. I don’t have a camera anymore and even if I did I would constantly be in denial about any skill that had and therefore wouldn’t connect with models. So, it’s just one of those things…
Yeah, this is a big one. Since I first ever learnt about BDSM, I’ve wanted to be a Mistress, wielding my cane and bossing some sissy boy around. “Force” him to wear my underwear and “make” him wear a cage around his swollen cock all day long while he suffers and I revel in it. And yet, here I am, almost 11 years later only having two experiences in Dominance, both of which lasted maybe half an hour and both of which did not go as I wanted them to at all. I want serious Dominance and submission, on a daily basis, not thirty minutes of it.
This is a relatively new desire of mine, only within the last 2 or 3 years. Prior to The Boyfriend, I probably wouldn’t have ever really considered it. Maybe in a moment of despair. But with The Boyfriend, I can’t see it being any other way (not that I can see it “being” really at all!).
I feel so naturally submissive to him, and I wish that he would get it through his head how strong of a desire this whole BDSM lifestyle is to me. I wish he would take more initiative to become the Master I need, or any initiative at all. The worst part is that he shows interest one day and the next it was like he was never interested at all.
Currently, I desperately want to incorporate a whole bunch of things into our day-to-day relationship. Little things. Like, if I don’t do the dishes by a certain time, I get a punishment. Or, I have certain chores that must be done to his specifications. This list is really quite long, and it just seems like it’s going nowhere.
On a fairly regular basis I suggest some play time, be it cropping or flogging or spanking or anything kinky, and most times he’ll make it sound like he’s interested. And then we both stay up late on our computers, and next thing you know it’s 4 AM and we’re both too tired to look for the crop or even use it for that matter.
It’s just a series of disappointment. I want to know how many more years I’m going to have to wait…. I don’t want to be an old woman by the time I finally get to experience, even just one aspect of BDSM, the way that I want to. As it is, my body is crapping out on me with each passing day, and things are getting bigger than I ever wanted them to, and pretty soon I’ll be past my prime for fetish modeling. Then my back will go and I won’t be able to swing a flogger. Then my knees will give and I won’t even be able to kneel! Argh!