The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Saskatchewan’s Breeze Tree


Even though it was really late, The Boyfriend had to bring the kids to pick me up from work last night. There were clouds in the sky that almost looked like smoke, and Kaeidyn asks, “Is BC going to sink?”. I respond with, “I hope not, because eventually I want to move back there!”

She starts asking questions like crazy about BC. I say thing like, “BC has beautiful waterfalls. The air smells cleaner. Winters aren’t as cold, and they have real mountains. Not like here in Alberta, where mountains are really BC hills.” As a joke, I throw in that it has more trees than Alberta and definitely more trees than Saskatchewan’s one.

This of course, sparks a conversation about how all the people from Saskatchewan have to crowd around this one tree to feel the breeze. Kaeidyn has now decided she wants to go to the Saskatchewan Breeze Tree, as she calls it. We all had a great laugh and it was a great end to a horrible day at work.

Yesterday, I had to do an eight hour shift in Loss Prevention (LP), which I despise. Everyone there seems to love LP, because it’s a boring job. You basically just stand there and say hello and goodbye to customers as they enter and exit. You also watch the cameras and stuff. It’s an easy easy job, but it sucks because you have to stand on your feet the entire time. Their Standard Operating Procedure (SOP) is that you can’t sit. After asking one of the managers about it one day, I got a very serious, “If you want to sit back there, you might as well just go sit outside!”

It blows because my knees are bad, my body hurts, so standing there for eight hours takes a serious toll on my already mounting soreness. I came home and complained for the rest of the night about how bad I hurt everywhere. At work, it was all in my calves and feet. By the time I got home, it had spread all over my body and today, I don’t feel like moving an inch, because every move I make, hurts!

I went for a doctors appointment yesterday to get my depo prescription refilled. I checked about my x-rays and sure enough everything came back normal. My doctor thinks it’s because I’m in the beginning stages of arthritis and that’s why it’s not showing up, because there’s been no damage yet. I’ve been told to take Advil whenever I feel like I’m swelling up.

We also discussed the perpetual bleeding that seems to be dominating my life to a large degree. I asked about The Boyfriend getting a vasectomy, and about me getting my tubes tied, but since we wouldn’t mind trying for one more kid a few years from now, my doctor suggested I try an IUD. It’s something I’m seriously considering, but I don’t like that there’s no guarantee that this bleeding is at least going to simmer down a bit. Part of the draw to depo was that there was a chance I wouldn’t have a period anymore, only a small part of the draw. And now, here I am, almost a year later still bleeding.

My stress levels have officially jumped through the rough and are at the same levels as airplanes fly. Crap keeps piling and piling and I feel like I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Finances are out of control around here, and it’s going to take month’s to bounce back from it all. My Mom’s out of town and has dumped all her crap here on me, including paying car insurance (which I’ve never done), and paying her rent – with her money, but it’s still an unwanted stress.

The kids have all been pretty out of control lately. They’ve all got colds, but it’s not slowing them down in the least. Carter has probably been hit the worst by this cold, and it’s brutal listening to him try to breathe right now. We’re taking care of it as best as we can, with what we’ve got, and it probably won’t last long, but it’s exhausting. He’s so grumpy all the time.

Keirnan and Kenzie, since Kaeidyn’s been at school, have been attached at the hip, and I don’t think either one of them likes it very much. Keirnan’s been unbearably noisy lately and he’s gotten rough, very rough. But his talking is improving quite a bit and more and more everyday, he becomes more understandable. Kenzie has just been full of energy in the worst kind of way. He wants to go, go, go, and I just want to sit and relax. He’s always running around the house, always talking, always wanting something.

Kaeidyn has been loving school, though she’s sick so hasn’t really felt like going much. She’s already missed a day, which sucked but she needed to. My favorite thing so far about school is the agenda. She writes little notes to me about what she did at school or what we have to do at home, and then I get to write notes to her teacher if I need to. I’m also loving the books that she’s bringing home that are really simple for her to read on her own, and she likes to read them to everyone else.

Kenzie desperately needs to go to school. He’s got the reading thing down, and every book that Kaeidyn brings home he’s able to read. I don’t know if it’s actually reading or picture association, but it works. He’s been practicing his counting like crazy, and knows his entire ABC’s off by heart. Kindergarten is going to be so incredibly boring for him next year…

So, that’s pretty much my last couple of days in a nutshell. Work, kids, sleep, and stress. Pile on the world, and you’ve got my life! What do you think, should I stay on depo or try out the IUD? I’m not sure what I’m going to do there…


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Sexual To-Do List


For years, I have been adding and subtracting things to my list of things that I want to do sexually in my life. Alot of people would probably call it their Sexual Bucket List, but I’m not a huge fan of that. Some of this list is goals that I actually seriously want to complete and have some sort of timeline for, and then others are part of the “bucket list” part, things I’d like to do before I die (which hopefully won’t be for awhile!).

Goals

  1. Start attending munches regularly
    Currently, there are two munches that happen every month. The BUD munch and the RDKC munch. I want to go to them both on a regular basis, at least once every two months.
  2. Start attending play parties regularly
    I’d like to start going to the BUD party every month. It’s a great learning experience for both The Boyfriend and I, and the last one we went to was amazing!!!
  3. Go to a BDSM-related shop
    There isn’t one that I know of here in Red Deer. Yes, we have Canadian Tire and the Dollar Store and Lammles, which are all great for picking up pervertables. But I want serious, quality, BDSM gear that is intended for BDSM use! Hopefully by Summer!!!
  4. Travel to Edmonton or Calgary for the scene
    We live close, there’s no reason why we can’t. I’d like to go to a COPE party or P3 Workshop. Either a party, a workshop, an event, a flea market, something!
  5. Go to Lupercalia
    Since I first started learning about BDSM, I’ve always wanted to go to Lupercalia put on by The Edmonton O Society (EOS). It’s a roman themed weekend, with toga parties, workshops, demonstrations. It’s not that expensive, but I’d want money to spend on all the other things you can get there. So it’s one of those future future goals.

Eventual To-Do List

  • Get a bigger, heavier flogger
  • Receive an OTK (Over-The-Knee) spanking
  • Be punished for not doing chores
  • Play with The Boyfriend in front of other people
  • Record The Boyfriend and I having sex
  • Be tied up in sexy and intricate rope bondage
  • Be collared
  • Be gagged
  • Restrict eye contact and certain speech habits
  • Have my orgasms controlled and/or denied
  • Dominate another person for an actual session, not just playfully
  • Be “forced” to crawl on my hands and knees and fetch things
  • Have to be in charge of dressing The Boyfriend
  • Buy furniture specifically intended for sexual purposes
  • Be caned to the point where there’s a cute little design of cuts/bruises
  • Have set protocols and rules in place at all times
  • Live the lifestyle 24/7
  • Receive aftercare the way I have always pictured it. Attentive, compassionate, gentle, loving, romantic in a way.
  • I’d like to experiment with play piercing and needle play (don’t know if I’d like it, but I’d like to try it)
  • I want to be restrained to a St. Andrew’s Cross
  • Take our BDSM play public, in a completely consensual way, where no one knows it’s happening. Like clamps on my nipples under my clothes, or a vibrator that he controls under a skirt, no underwear 😉
  • Be inspected
  • At a party, I’d like to be used as furniture
  • I’d like to attend or host a high protocol dinner and party
  • Get locked in a cage and tortured, and then made to sleep in the cage
  • Have The Boyfriend pick out my clothes and “force” me to wear whatever he picks
  • Have a collaring ceremony
  • Be punished by having to write lines or essays
  • Get a SLRN with The Slave Register