The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

Four More Months


This past week has been overwhelming, hectic, stressful and incredibly productive. I feel tired and sore and mentally dead. I almost feel like if I think one more thing, my brain will mostly start seeping out my ears and nose and then my eyeballs with pop out of my cute little skull.

From work to interview and back-to-school and boy troubles, it just feels like it’s never going to end. These next four months are destined to be out of control. So first, there’s work. I started working at Best Buy last week, and I’m doing inventory. For me, that’s hard work. I’m not usually that active, nor do I normally lift things. I’m doing pretty good there though, I think.

I’m lifting more than the other guys on my crew, not because they can’t, just because I’m determined to work hard. I even unloaded, counted and reloaded 104 laptops all by myself my second night in. I got a bruise from somewhere the other day, that I didn’t notice until after I had been home awhile. It’s been good, my only complaint is that there’s alot of time of not doing anything. And when I’m sitting around too long without doing anything, I start feeling like I’m neglecting the kids.

I had two workshops to go to last week at the place where I’m doing employment counseling. The first one was on budgeting, and I totally didn’t need to go to it. I could’ve taught it. It’s all just stuff I already knew, now I need someone to tell me how to put it into action, because that’s where my whole problem comes in. I’m good at creating budgets and I know where my money is going, but that doesn’t help me get out of debt. And boy, am I ever in debt.

The next one was “Possibility Thinking” and it was another situation of feeling like I already knew it and was left feeling like I wanted so much more. I’ve done a ton of different positive thinking workshops and groups (especially when I was in the institution), so I pretty much had a grasp on everything they were talking about. It reminded me of group therapy, but it was good to talk and share.

I had an interview at Lush Cosmetics this morning that I think went relatively well. It’s all organic, fresh, handmade cosmetics (which I know pretty much nothing about, on all those levels), so it was interesting to say the least. I go for a floor test tomorrow, which I have no idea what it entails, but I’m sure I’ll do fine either way. It’s for sales, which I don’t have any experience with, but have always wanted to get into it for some reason.

We’ve got back-to-school coming up in three days and I’m just absolutely not excited or prepared for it. We still have to go get Kaeidyn’s school stuff (today or tomorrow), including shoes and one new outfit. I’m not looking forward to having to wake up so early, I need to figure out what I’m going to do for her lunches and my lunches for work, I’ve gotta make sure we’re doing her homework. It’s just all so much stress.

Then to add to it, we’ve got Keirnan’s birthday on the 5th, Kaeidyn’s birthday on the 19th, Carter’s birthday on October 28th, then Halloween, then my birthday in November and Christmas is right after that. So on top of all the other stuff, I’ve got money on the mind and I despise it. I have to take from here and there to get all this stuff and it’s just so much more complicated than I want it to be.

I wish I could pawn off some of the responsibilities on someone else and just say, ‘You take your money and you worry about school supplies, or you worry about paying the bills!” It’s driving me nuts, because we’re going to be so behind by the end of the year, and I just don’t see anyway of making it different than that, because there’s certain things that I can’t just say, “Nope, I’m not getting or paying for that”. Hopefully it all just gets easier now that I’m working, but I doubt it will.

The Boyfriend and I got in the first two fights ever in our entire relationship this week too, making it that much more stressful. Both can be chalked up to my stupid insecurities, mostly about his level of desire for me, because it feels like it’s dwindling. I also feel like I’m projecting. He does one thing that’s even a little bit like the things that happened with Alfie, and I automatically think the worst and I picture the last six years repeating itself, but instead of hitting and screaming, it will just be ignorance and silence. And I honestly don’t know which one I think is worse. Path

Not last night, but the night before was the worst. I was so angry at him and sat in silence all day. He just followed suit and didn’t push to find out what was up and it just bothered me to no end. I ended up snapping hard at him when we went to bed, and I pffted every single one of his replies and snapped even harder when he did reply, and generally made him sound like a really bad boyfriend. The fight ended with me apologizing for snapping so hard at him, because I really didn’t mean to.

It’s amazing to me how much I despise fighting now, in comparison to as little as two years ago. And especially with The Boyfriend. I just feel like a horrible rotten person bitching at him for these things that I bitch about, but they’re are things that bother me, even if they are 100% innocent. I hate that I can’t date a guy and let him have friends that are girls, it just never works for me and I have so much jealousy within me.

I can’t even put it in the jealousy category with The Boyfriend. It is absolutely all about my insecurities. And of course, when that insecure little beast within me is released, it’s incredibly difficult to make it stop. I’m insecure in my relationship, I feel like he’s just waiting for the perfect moment to leave me. Anytime he talks to another girl, or looks at other girls pictures while I’m at work, even though he claims it’s innocent, my mind automatically remembers Alfie and the internet and all the horrible things that came from all that.

I fear that next will come signing up for matchmaking websites where he’s looking for “intimate relations, no strings attached”, and then it’ll be chatting and cybering on chatrooms, and then he’ll break up with me and share our special, intimate, loving things with another girl. And I just have to keep reminding myself over and over that The Boyfriend is not Alfie, and it is the most difficult and challenging thing for me. And it makes me feel like I’m the bad guy…

I told him that I can’t stand the lack of communication and it’s something we need to work on. I don’t know what’s going to come of that, if anything. So far, nothing has really happened. We’ve just kind of moved on from it and it hasn’t been mentioned again since I snapped. I think I even made him cry (don’t know for sure because all the lights were off and I was so mad that I didn’t care if I had hurt him. I wanted him to feel as crappy as I did…).

I’m just hoping life in general starts looking up more the way I want it to soon. Because I know I’m going to wear out eventually, and I’m not prepared for that to happen anytime soon. At the current moment, I don’t believe that I have the support system I need in place for that kind of situation. It’s just all being so hectic and overwhelming. Only four more months though until it slows down… Just gotta survive four more months.

Author: Valerie Rayne

Valerie Rayne is a wannabe kinkster, blog-a-holic and mom of six ranting about life, love and blogging. She is also the creator of WTMFI Wednesdays, a weekly sex meme arousing discussions on sexuality.

2 thoughts on “Four More Months

  1. Hey Roo. Your rant reminds me a lot of my past 2 relationships. With you Mom there was a lot of neurosis and a sense of fatalism on her part that we would end up just like her and your dad.
    In the end it was close to being a self fulfuling prophesy.
    In my second relationship I spent the whole time waiting for the other shoe to drop and that may not be what ended that relationship but it sure didn’t help.
    Looks like we both learned some bad habits from your mom.
    What I have learned from all this is:
    If you test a relationship too hard it will eventually break just like you were afraid it would.
    If you look for problems you will find them, even if they weren’t there to begin with.
    Everyone is insecure and if you forget that and focus too hard on your insecurities and ignore the fact that your partner has their own vaulnerabilities you are going to hurt them wether you mean to or not.
    When your partner is upset, don’t take what they say too personally or you will have hurt feelings when you don’t need to and end up in a fight. (actually I “learned” this early on with your mom. Knowing it and keeping it in mind in the heat of the moment don’t necessarily go hand in hand unfortunately).
    Beating yourself up for hurting the feelings of your loved ones isn’t productive. It leads to guilt and depression. Instead appologize for your behavior. If they accept then they still love you if not they will do the emotional “beatting up” for you.

    All through my relationships with your Mom and with my son’s mother I felt horrible for my temper and outbursts. Now that both relationships are over with I keep hearing how I wasn’t as terrible as I thought I was. Still not sure if that is true. It is an easy thing to tell someone when you don’t have to live with them anymore.
    Don’t know if any of this will help you but there it is, use it if you are able to.

  2. Pingback: From the Vault: Favorites from my First Year « Valerie Rayne Rants

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