I was having a great day. I was oober excited about tonight. Now, I’m not so sure. First, the kids have been super intense to deal with today. They keep talking back, hitting each other, and just generally not listening.
Not that it’s really an abnormal thing around here, but today, it just seems to be getting to me right away. It could be all the lack of sleep, or the other thousand of things that are stressing me out.
The first big one is, I start work on Monday or Tuesday (I’m not sure where my paper is that says it right now, and I’m not going to look for it today. My friend who works there says that it’s Tuesday, but I thought it was Monday). Originally, I thought I was going to be working as a cashier, easy for me. But then I found out that I’ll be working inventory. I’m crazy excited about it and the new experience I’ll gain, but I’m nervous about how fast I’m going to learn it, because I want it to be fast. I also need steel-toed boots, which becomes a difficulty when I don’t have money until after I’m due to start working for them.
Then the first bad part about today was, craving playing guitar so bad. So I pick up my guitar, and I start playing, wouldn’t you know all the kids start crying, Carter starts pulling on my laptop (which I read my tabs off of, and sometimes record video). It always gets to me when the kids interrupt my guitar playing. I seem to get automatically annoyed when anything stands in the way of my guitar playing.
Then, the absolute topper of the cake, which took me from all excited about tonight to almost not wanting to go at all, was when Mama T called me to let me know that Chef was back in town. She’s taking the kids for the night so The Boyfriend and I can have this night out/off. I have huge issues with Chef and especially with the kids with Chef, and not for any particular reason really, except for maybe seeing him not capable of controlling his alcoholism while they’re around, and the fact that that seems to affect Mama T’s judgement.
The Boyfriend, ever protective of his own kid, said that he didn’t want Carter going. And it just always bugs me when he says stuff like that, like the other three kids aren’t as deserving of greatness as Carter is. And I know he doesn’t mean it that way at all. I know he means it in the sense of he has the ability to control what happens with Carter, and still is learning the limits and boundaries of rights he has with the other three kids. He doesn’t say it to be mean, he says it to not be presumptuous. But it’s just one of those things that seriously bug me.
The thing that sucks is I don’t want my Mom to be disappointed that the kids aren’t coming over, and I don’t want to have to try to find another babysitter in such a short amount of time, and I don’t want the kids to be upset by not being able to go over to Grandma’s. So even though I’m not completely comfortable with the idea, I’m going to let the kids go over there anyways and save myself a whole big hassle. I just hope it all goes good.
Unfortunately, all these factors have ruined my excitement for the night. Made only worse when I went to go try clothes to wear out tonight. I just bought myself pants the other day that I’m going to wear, and pants never seem to be the biggest problem (especially when they’re the right size). My shirt is where I’m having a huge issue and I completely despise it. I wish I had more sexy shirts in my size. I can fit into all of my old sexy shirts, but I can’t stand the way they make my stomach look.
I’m hating my body so much these last few days. The number on the scale has jumped up five pounds. I’m trying to rationalize by saying that it’s all the crunches I’m doing, gaining muscle, not fat. Then I try on a pair of shorts that fit me only a couple weeks ago, and now my upper thighs are too big, or my butt is!
That’s one good thing about the weight gain/working out. I’ve got some serious definition in my butt, more than I’ve ever had in my whole life. When I touch my butt, it’s not just all flubbery. There is some serious muscle in there. In jeans, it looks scrumptious. It’s just too bad it’s really the only part of my body that I’m enjoying.
Hopefully I’ll be able to find a satisfying outfit to wear, or I fear this sick feeling in my stomach is going to last all night and it’s just going to ruin it for me!