Venty McVenterson

These last few days are just dragging on and on and seem to be going at such a slow pace that I can feel myself aging. I don’t even know where to begin to be completely honest.

On Friday, I got woken up to banging on the door. I ignored it at first, but it was just being relentless. When I did finally get up to check on it, it was Child Services again. Someone at the school called on us about a variety of things that were not based in fact at all. I spent all of Friday crying about it and I was just in a really bad way about this particular call. Kaeidyn had been talking to her counselor and apparently something she said during one of their meetings was essentially part of the report and so Kaeidyn felt like it was her fault they got called on us this time.

On top of my own crappy emotions about this whole thing, I also had to reassure my 8-year-old that she didn’t do anything wrong and that she wasn’t going to get taken away because of it. Needless to say, I’m worried out of my mind about that little girl. She trusted this counselor and now I’m worried that that trust is going to be gone and she’s going to have no one to talk to about all of the frightened and scared feelings she has – because she’s still dealing with the trauma of the break in. So now, on top of the stress of having to prove my worth as a perfectly decent parent, I have to stress about finding her a new counselor and one that she might be able to trust and it feels like I’m going to break any minute…

So, we spent the next few days cleaning and getting ready for Child Services to come back to the house. All in all, this went really well. The Boyfriend and I are finally not sleeping in the living room, but moved our bed up to a room. I also went on a Kijiji hunt for couches and ended up scoring a 3-seater couch with 2 recliners and a love seat recliner. Our living room finally looks like a living room and not a teenagers messy bedroom. We’ve all really been enjoying it and The Boyfriend especially likes how much closer he can sit to the TV and comfortably on top of it!

Alfie also called, after over two months of no contact whatsoever. He was coming into town. So now, he’s been over here and while he had originally come up with some lame excuse as to his lack of presence, he eventually came around to the truth of the matter. Apparently he’s been getting in some trouble and had to deal with that. I’ve had to deal with my feelings surrounding him a lot these last few days. The Mommy in me is having a very volatile argument with herself about this guy in my kids life. A really big part of the mommy in me doesn’t want him having anything to do with my kids and I’ve come to the conclusion that under no circumstances will he be allowed to be alone with the kids anytime soon. Another job lost, another friendship destroyed, another stint with the police involved and really, it’s too much for my heart and head to handle. He’s just such a big disappointment… But the other part of the mommy in me thinks, “He’s their Dad”… Even though you’d never know it!

Things between my Mom and I have also been tense, which is not giving me any rest. I mean, really, they’re still wonderful and we’re talking just as much as we ever did. But I keep turning to her, thinking she’s my support and she should be supporting me, but for some reason, I’m not getting the support I feel like I need from her. Instead, I’m getting a lot of lectures and suggestions and opinions about all the things I’m doing wrong and there is absolutely no focus on what I’m doing right – unless it’s an afterthought because my feathers are ruffling. I even snapped at her the other day that I don’t come to her to hear what I can hear from the government, I come to her to hear that they’re wrong – especially when that’s the truth! It would be different if I was doing so much wrong, but I’m not. They didn’t even know about the dirty house until they got here and even then, the only comment made was about the floor in the kitchen which hadn’t been mopped in two days.

I wrote my first song in years the other day. It was interesting and I forgot how good that feels and how much I enjoy doing it. I don’t know what I’m going to call this song or how it’s going to sound once I add an instrument to the mix, but I had great fun writing it and it was an incredible release for me. I felt like I said all that I needed to say in 2 verses, a bridge and a chorus. It’s beautiful when that happens and it felt really nice.

Tomorrow, we go for program again. The Boyfriend is looking forward to it because he’s been incredibly stressed out about this last Child Services case, even though our file has been closed now. He’s taking this one personally, even though I’m not exactly sure why. I think he’s just reached his breaking limit as well. Needless to say, he’s looking forward to getting it all off his chest, because he hasn’t really yet. Is it terrible that I’m almost excited to see what he goes in there with? I mean, obviously we’ve talked and I’ve heard what he has to say, but he’s just so much more theatrical when it’s not just me and him, and I enjoy seeing that side of him, but I especially enjoy that it’s the only time that you can really tell that he’s as complex as he likes to say he is

Well, I think that’s pretty much it. I’m sure I’ll think of something else later. I’ll add the song lyrics eventually too. Now, it’s time to listen to tunes and veg  until the older kids get home. Thanks for reading!

Glad to Get On Here

I cannot tell you how happy I am that I got on the computer tonight… Absolutely and totally happy. It was a rough day today, which made where my bed seemed like the best place in the world to be. We’ll start with how I came to be on the computer and then maybe we’ll jump back to the rough day part of the story – we’ll see how I feel.

So, I’m laying in bed playing Minecraft and Keirnan and Kenzie have been sent up to bed and didn’t cause that much of hassle when it came to actually sleeping. Kaeidyn however, was still awake and in a most talkative mood and my brother (who is doing amazing, by the way…) and cousin are both here visiting. Carter, my dear sweet Carter, was being a most miserable brat. None of the other kids got donuts before bed and I had decided that Carter wasn’t going to get donuts before bed either, but Uncle and Great-Cousin (though they call him Uncle) had gotten donuts. Carter was most unhappy and cried for close to an hour straight. Over and over again with “I want a donut” and “I didn’t get a donut”.

Then, out of nowhere, the cry changes from a semi-manageable cry to a wail. He’s “ow”-ing away. Lately, he’s really enjoyed half hanging off of surfaces when he sits at them. It’s mostly because as he uses whatever is on the surface in front of him, he manages to push it away from himself. We’ll find him dangling by his belly button from the computer desk because he’s pushed the keyboard all the way back to where he can’t reach it from the chair or at dinner time, dangling from the table because he pushed his plate too far away while eating… Somewhere along all the dangling today, he had managed to get – I’m not sure what you would call it, almost like rug burn but from the wood-like-stuff on the table. It seemed like one from much earlier today, possibly from when The Boyfriend and I weren’t here (more on that later).

Anyways, I cleaned it all up and put some Polysporin on it and talked him through the last of his upsets about the donut, and had convinced him that he needed to take a bath. Out of all of the kids, he definitely needs to be bathed the most. So now, instead of whining about the donuts, he’s now whining because he wants to hurry up and go for a bath. I shut off the games and The Boyfriend decided that he was going to play for awhile. Normally this means, when I come downstairs, I can either sit there and watch him play games or go on the computer – so, go on the computer it was.

And once again, I say unto you, I am most pleased that I did. First, I jump on Facebook (as usual) and immediately find some interesting stuff that had me laughing. Then, I jumped on Twitter. Oh wait, I don’t know if I told you this yet… If you’ll notice, in the sidebar, there is a Twitter feed and if you’ve followed me around the web for quite some time (which I know that I’m really the only one who follows me around on the web… ), you’ll notice that this isn’t the same as it’s always been. The one there, happens to be the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous Twitter feed. Some time ago, I had gotten completely fed up with my personal Twitter feed. I was following a lot of people that I had no idea who they were, it was all disorganized and I absolutely despised my previous Twitter handle: @blogaholica – the “a” on the end just always really bugged me…

But recently, I went through my old Twitter account, changed my handle, deleted almost everyone I was following that I didn’t know and had never actually said a word to me and re-organized the whole thing so that I knew what I was working about. I’m pretty sure I alluded to this a couple posts ago. But it was essentially spring cleaning of all my social networks. So, I revamped and came back as @ValerieRayne13 and have been having a great time.

Now that I’m not following a bunch of people who are talking about things that I’m just not interested in (which felt a lot like when The Boyfriend begged me to watch Smosh videos on YouTube last night, which I just barely made it through…), it’s so much nicer going on Twitter and I’m having a ton of fun. By far, my most favorite tweet from myself, so far, goes out to @Cmdr_Hadfield of International Space Station fame (this is one of those things that The Boyfriend got me interested in, that didn’t make me barf a little in my heart). I warn you, not only does it show you just how much of a nerd I really am, but it’s also my lamest and most favorite tweet ever:

@Cmdr_Hadfield I don't mean to sound like a total nerd - but if this were #StarTrek... I'm voting Picard, Riker and Data, who's with me?

—
Valerie Rayne (@ValerieRayne13) March 16, 2013

After writing this, I’m off to do even more on the computer, before The Boyfriend officially decides it’s bedtime, which I’m sure is coming sooner rather than later, but if you want to read about my rough day, you can always continue reading…

Rough Couple of Days…

It’s been a rough couple days around here and you can tell… You can tell the second you walk into my house and it’s dark and gloomy and nothing looks clean at all (even though we’ve been cleaning every single day) and it just looks like a house filled with sadness and stress. Frankly, because that’s exactly what this house is filled with right now. And I’m really really hating it….

The first thing that’s all out of whack is our financial situation and neither The Boyfriend or I can figure out how it’s going as wrong as it is. Back before we moved into this place, the house that is now dubbed “Gilchrist”, we were paying $300 more a month in rent, we were spending our money on a lot more stupid stuff like video games and movies and general electronics, we were paying a lot more where bills and utilities were concerned and somehow we managed to not always be hurting for money. I mean yes, we had our months, but it wasn’t like this where it seems to be constant.

Now, we’re paying $300 less, we’re no longer buying movies because we have Netflix, The Boyfriend hasn’t bought a video game that couldn’t be found in the cheap bin since we moved in here (oh, now that I think about it, one game new), and we have one less utility bill and the bills that we are getting are cheaper than they were in the other house. We have spent the last few weeks trying to see where we’re going wrong and the only thing that keeps coming to mind is the cost of our groceries.

With all the kids getting bigger and having fuller days, we’ve noticed that we’re spending about $100 more per week on groceries. And yes, there are a few things that The Boyfriend and I could cut down on big time, such as smoking and the amount of Sprite that I’m drinking or the number of store-bought coffees we could be getting, so yes, there are changes that can still be made to remedy this financial situation, but we can’t figure out what we’re doing wrong or differently from Gilchrist. And it’s bringing both of us down a lot.

For him, he feels nothing but guilt. He loves his job so much, he really does. I don’t think you’ll ever meet a Wal-Mart employee who has so much pride in his work and who loves working for that company as much as The Boyfriend does. But, he’s not getting paid enough to be able to support this big family of ours, he’s just not, not by himself anyways. And he feels incredibly guilty about that. He feels guilty because he can’t be a better provider while keeping this job that he loves and while I constantly remind him that I’d rather him be happy at a job than make tons of money, he still feels inadequate.

For me, I just keep thinking that I need to get back to work but right now it’s so damn hard. The big thing that’s standing in my way when it comes to returning to the workforce is a daycare. With my Mom working, she can’t really be relied on to watch the kids and even if she could, it could only be for 21 days out of the month because of her partner’s job. Getting them into a daycare facility or into a dayhome program, not only involves tons of waiting on waiting lists, but also costs a whole heck of a lot of money and if you didn’t catch it from all my ranting before, money is so damn tight right now that just thinking about having to throw out all that money is a hugely overwhelming shock to my system that I’m just avoiding thinking about it at all…

There also comes the issue of Keirnan and his half school days. If I were to get a job and couldn’t take the time off at lunch to get him to school, how would he get there? He wouldn’t, and as it is with how often he’s been sick or how often he’s had to stay home because Carter or I was too sick to walk him, the schools already calling about all his missed days… Just the whole thought of me going back to work right now is such a huge stressor and yet, I sincerely don’t think we’ll last too many more months with our crappy financial situation. It’s kind of like, I need a job or we’re completely screwed…

Then, we’re still dealing with all this Child Services stuff. Not technically Child Services anymore but that stuff. So, Child Services came in (as I’ve told you before) and even though the report that was filed against us was proven to be false on the very first day, the lady decided we still needed a little help as parents. After a few more interviews with her and a lot of being told that we simply weren’t doing a good enough job in her eyes, we were referred to a parenting program with another lady. I still don’t know exactly how I feel about it. One day I’ll think it’s a great idea and that The Boyfriend and I could use some help with some of the problems that we’re having with the kids and as parents. I mean, how many times do I vent to you guys all about how annoyed I am by the kids? That’d be nice not to do anymore. But then the next day, I’ll think that I really don’t need that kind of help when it comes to parenting and that I want the chance to figure it out on my own and that I stopped going to all the parenting programs I was a part of for a reason and those reasons still exist today. It’s a confusing time for my brain.

But, we really have no choice. If we don’t go to this program, our Child Services file will stay open and I fear that eventually, they won’t be nice about things anymore and eventually they’ll just take my kids and I absolutely do not want that. So, I concede to their wishes, no matter how much I fight with myself about it, because it’s necessary. So, I had my first appointment last Thursday and this Friday, The Boyfriend and I go for the first real assessment of our family… And I’m just not looking forward to it.

Firstly, because a lot of it will be discussing Alfie… We chose Kaeidyn as the kid we were going to focus on, because her and I just can’t seem to get along very well. We’re always arguing, our attitudes are always colliding and we’re both so stubborn that we don’t get anywhere with each other. At our first meeting, we discussed a little bit about our break-in awhile back and how that was a traumatic experience for her and then, her Dad got brought up. This is always such a sensitive subject for all of us, not just her. I mean, Alfie was a really toxic influence in our lives and easily was a traumatic experience for us all. The boys are all too young to really remember what it was like with him, but not Kaeidyn…

And the worst part is, is even though Alfie is hardly present at all in their lives anymore (save for the holidays and his birthday apparently), he still has such a massive effect on them. For instance, Kaeidyn has an email address and she uses it to send messages to her grandparents, sign up for computer game accounts and mostly, check in with her Dad. For awhile, he was responding to her as fast as he could and things were going really well. Then, he called and said he would start paying child support to us directly now that he had gotten this great paying job. Month one went by without a hitch and then the next month, he asked if he could not pay one week so that he could come and see the kids. I’ve always told him that to me, it’s more important to have him around than it is to have his money. And up until recently, we were doing fine without his money. So, I said yes to not paying that week so he could come see the kids.

That weekend went by and he never came to see them, never called and never sent any money. Kaeidyn had been emailing him non-stop during this time. Asking when he was coming down, asking how his day was going, just constantly with the emails. Not once did he respond. The kids got to see him last weekend, not because he paid money for it and not because he went out of his way to make sure he got to see them, but because his family did. Here he is, bragging about the new phone he got and the new this and that that he got, and still, Kaeidyn’s been emailing him, and there’s been no response. No one knows how to get in touch with him, he hasn’t called here in weeks and Kaeidyn can definitely tell that The Boyfriend and I are having some major freaking problems surrounding Alfie. We’re both beyond pissed at him.

I can’t stop beating myself up for ever choosing such a loser to be the father of 3 out of 4 of my kids, The Boyfriend can’t stop being angry that any dad can just “abandon” (his words, not mine) his kids like this and we’re both just not dealing well with this whole Alfie situation. And guaranteed, it’s going to get brought up over and over again in these parenting program appointments of ours and it’s just a great big stress that I would much rather not deal with. We’re just not having a good couple of days…

Thinking About Homeschooling…

So, I’ve been considering homeschooling the kids…

Before having kids, I was determined that that was the way I was going to teach my kids. At the time, I was still in the public school system and hated every single minute of it. I hated that I couldn’t ask these big abstract questions that I had at that age, because teachers were concerned that it would upset other children in the class. I couldn’t learn what I wanted to learn, because it wasn’t part of the curriculum. Back then, the internet wasn’t readily available in every single home. I mean, this was back in the dial up days, when you couldn’t be on the phone and the internet at the same time. My parents were basically oblivious to what the internet was and AskJeeves was considered to be better than Google (at least from the schools perspective). I wasn’t learning what I wanted to learn, I wasn’t being taught by people who were given free range to teach me, and I always wanted my kids to have it differently.

By the time Kaeidyn was school-aged though, Alfie was entirely against the homeschooling idea. He thought it would be too much work, that we wouldn’t be smart enough to teach the kids and that we wouldn’t be able to teach them anything of value. As far as he was concerned, that was not what he wanted for his kids. And it wasn’t an informed decision. It was a decision much like that of circumcision  Well, I did it, so should they… (Although none of our boys are circumcised.)

Generally speaking, while with Alfie, I lost a lot of my opinions about what a parent should and could be to their kids and about what I wanted my kids’ life to be like. To me, it felt like it wasn’t worth the fight with him and I went to public school, why couldn’t they… But as time has gone on, as the kids get older and all of them are starting to be in public school, as I’ve had all this time to have a man support almost every parenting decision I’ve ever made, I’ve begun questioning why I ever put them in public school in the first place and if it’s really the best thing for them as well as if it’s the best thing for me.

Everyone keeps telling me about all the time it would take up, all the effort I would have to put in. I look at those two things and on one hand, I’m terrified. On the other hand, it excites me. As it stands right now, I really have no reason to wake up in the morning, no reason to structure my life more, no reason to do anything other than what I’m doing right now… No, I’m not saying homeschooling is the answer to any of these issues, but at least it’s a reason to wake up – other than, because I really should.

I also like the idea of being my kids’ teacher. I enjoy the concept of sitting down with them at a set time every day and doing actual school work. I like the idea of them being able to learn more than just what they’re supposed to know at the end of Grade 3 or Grade 1, but learning what their brother’s and sister are learning. I like the idea of them thinking I’m just as smart as they’re current teachers and I like the idea of being able to teach them more than just math, science and social studies. I like the idea of keeping them home, away from the bullies and the kids that are growing up way too fast. Since we’ve come to this school, I’ve heard the word rape in the context of a story about school used more than once. And if Kaeidyn didn’t feel as comfortable with me as she does, I would’ve never known and would’ve never had the chance to explain to her what rape means and why it’s not a nice word to use…

At first, the homeschooling idea that spurred this little rant was The Boyfriend’s idea. He had said, more in passing than in actual conversation, that we should homeschool the kids. Ever since, it’s been on the top of my mind. It’s all I’ve really been able to think about for the past 3 days. It’s like I’m evaluating myself to see if I think I could even do it – even though, I really have no idea what it’s going to take for sure. I’ve asked a friend of mine (who homeschools her kid) to give me some information, though so far, I’m not sure if it’s helping or not. She also lives in BC, not Alberta, so I’m still searching for resources on homeschooling here in Alberta and how you go about it.

It’s definitely on my mind though…

Before She Cheats…

At which point does it become cheating? Is the answer to this question always the same or does it change based on partners and situations? Let’s take a walk down cheater’s lane, shall we…

I have both been cheated on and been the cheater.

The former, a boyfriend went to a big city for a week without me, and went to a gay bar and hooked up with another guy. I didn’t find out until a year later and by that time, it was too long after to be “allowed” much upset. I had always thought he’d cheat on me with a girl, so had a difficult time dealing with the fact that it was with another guy…

The latter, well I cheated on The Boyfriend for the first four months of our relationship. I came clean about it right before we said I love you for the first time. I hated and regretted the entire thing, strongly believed that I had a good reason for doing it in the first place and more than all that, I was incredibly thankful that The Boyfriend refused to let it tear us apart.

Alfie had broken up with me after 3 kids and 6 years. And while we were broken up, we were still having sex when The Boyfriend came into my life. Technically, he had been there the entire time Alfie and I were together – he was one of Alfie’s childhood friends afterall… But I had never really thought much of him until he started coming around after Alfie and I had broken up. Then he was absolutely my knight in shining armor.

By this point, things between Alfie and I are tense, to say the least. Our relationship had reached the height of verbal and physical abuse, we were totally dependent on one another, and tempers were always at an ultimate high. Alfie did not like all the time The Boyfriend and I were spending together and we were still sleeping together – Alfie and I, not The Boyfriend and I. But then, that changed.

Alfie made life a living hell. Long story short, to keep the hell at bay (at the time, I convinced myself I was doing it for the good of the kids), I continued sleeping with Alfie while navigating the beginnings of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship.

He knew it all along but never had confirmation. He acted oblivious about it, but there is no way he couldn’t have known. Alfie would often spend the night and for awhile, The Boyfriend would come over in the morning and walk in to Alfie and I sleeping in the same room. Alfie would get drunk at my house and then tell The Boyfriend right to his face. He definetely knew…

Finally, I came clean about it. We were getting serious and he had been through too much. I no longer had the energy or desire to keep Alfie’s hell at bay. It wasn’t good for anyone and it didn’t help at all. I wrote him a letter…

He took the whole thing better than I could ever have anticipated. Things were tense for awhile and I allowed him to express his feelings however he needed to. Rules were put into place regarding Alfie and I and things between The Boyfriend and I soon returned to normal.

But, why am I writing about this?

Well… I’ve been thinking about cheating a lot lately. Not necessarily doing it, but yes, doing it… Not even in a sexual way so much as a kink way. I’m swiftly getting to the point where I would do just about anything to just get my ass slapped! I mean, it’s to the point now where so much of my day is spent thinking about “cheating” just to get a spanking, that I’m afraid this desire is going to absolutely consume me.

And it’s not just spanking. It’s all the things I want. Someone to control me, someone to assist me in further exploring my sexuality, someone to give me rules and someone to dole out my punishments. Someone to tie me up, someone to gag me, someone to keep me on my toes (literally and figuratively…). And no matter how much I beg The Boyfriend, nothing at all is changing. I feel like, if anything, we’re moving further and further away from ever returning away from kink.

And frankly, I’m losing all hope…

I feel like every single turn I make, I’m being denied what I feel I want. I want to take erotic pictures and get an automatic and non-negotiable “no”. I want to get a spanking and get an “I’m not interested” that can’t even be discussed. And even just regular vanilla sex is becoming harder and harder to get. I mean, yes, he puts out for me. But I don’t think it’s at all because he wants to be having sex, I think it’s because he feels obligated to.

This just sucks…

Miseria Cantare (The Beginning)

I’ve always wanted someone to ask me how long I’ve been blogging for, because I’ve always been curious myself. I don’t know how long I’ve been blogging for to be completely sure. I know I wrote for a little while on a site called MyDiary, I think it was, though I couldn’t tell you what I wrote about or what name I used while writing it. I also made multiple websites using Angelfire that included blogs from as early as 2003 or something like that.

But my first dedicated effort at blogging, when I really began putting some weight behind an account, was in 2008. Using Opera and the pen name “Unpredictable Angel”, I began treading lightly through the blogosphere with my first post, Miseria Cantare (The Beginning). At the time, I was a 21-year-old mom of 3 and in a relationship with Alfie (the dad of my oldest three kids, in case you didn’t know) and it really was a disaster…

Kenzie, Mommy & Keirnan, Kaeidyn

This blog is definitely much more raw than what I write now and even what I wrote when I was doing The Rantings of a Tortured Mind (PG & XXX Rated Editions). I reveal a whole heck of a lot in a short period of time and reading through it am actually a little shocked. I mean, at the time, this was exactly what I needed and the entire reason why I started blogging. I was coming out of a major depressive episode (which had landed me in the mental institution more than once) and I was in way over my head on so many different levels that, to this day, I am shocked that I survived.

I can definitely see why this blog upset some people and can completely understand why I don’t blog like it anymore, although sometimes I miss how sincere these posts were. Like the one where I describe my first suicide attempt and the events and situations surrounding it. Or the one where I describe my second suicide attempt… Or the one where I go off about how hard it is for me as a mom to all the kids (and this is prior to the fourth and I totally need to read this the next time I feel like a crappy mom, because I sound downright bad here…). Or the post that is my first official go at a disclaimer!

In one post, I write a little fictional story or something – trust me, I have no idea what brought this about, but reading through it now, I’m totally vibing a particular section. Maybe, I’m Lola…

“But you underestimate the power of passion. When a girl is born from passion, and perfectly manifests passion, she can not hold back what has already been done. And unfortunately at times, passion has no boundaries and passion is bold. When passion manifests from one who was born from passion, at a young age a girl discovers who she is and what she wants, because she has the drive to do so, and so she does.”

 

Kaeidyn (about 3 1/2)

Talking about soundtracks to people’s lives and how wishing life was more like TV, and in what I’m now going to call my finest hour, “It makes me sad that I’m one of those people, who just watches TV and wishes somehow my life could be like that. Just funny, or with background music.” and moments later in my not so finest hour, “…the sex is good, but I can live without it…”. Oh, how times have changed…

 

In another post, I go into great lengthy detail about how intense a bout of depression that I went through had gotten and how seriously it was affecting me. I discuss my worries about taking medication to help with the depression, which I ended up never going back on meds and for the most part have done pretty well without, though I have considered returning to medication especially around storm season. “The thing that I think a lot of people forget, is that it’s easy to be sane when you’re in a mental hospital.”

I also experienced the same problem with Alfie that I’m currently experiencing with The Boyfriend regarding munches and kink. Interestingly enough, in both situations the guys were into it prior to me having a baby, and then I pop one out and they all turn vanilla. Maybe it’s the oxytocin or something… That is something someone should study!

Kenzie (about 1 1/2)

Well, that was an interesting little trip down memory lane. There’s still more to read on there, but I figure I’ve shared a whole heck of a lot tonight. One of these days I’m going to go through my other blogs too and we’ll see what happens then

Yesterday Was a Fluke

Well, after the positive and productive day that I had yesterday, today has been less than that. I woke up this morning feeling dreadfully tired and the kids’ offered to walk themselves to school. I let them do that and they did a great job. No phone calls from the school and I saw Kenzie today when I dropped Keirnan off, having a great time with all his new school friends. But I felt like crap!

Then, it’s freaking freezing cold out. It’s 12 degrees but it feels much colder with all the wicked wind we’re having. It’s making me most grumpy of all. My hands hurt from the cold, my body feels like it’s constantly on shiver mode and it’s making me dread my walk to and from the school. I’m not looking forward to winter this year.

I need to kick The Boyfriend’s ass into gear about a few things around the house here and that’s making me more upset than usual. I just keep thinking back to the beginning of our relationship with his comments about “I’ve got a budget” and “I’ll take care of you“, to what we’re at now and I feel like I’m the force behind The boyfriend’s becoming crappy with their money, their goals, their everything! It took Alfie 4 years, but that guy’s starting to get his life on track now that he doesn’t have me and all my kids really in his life. The Boyfriend, doing all great and wonderful and then the kids and I come into his life and it seems like none of that was ever real.

We were supposed to go weeks ago to change my bank account to a joint account and shut down his account. It’s costing us a lot of money in fees running both accounts, and his are always WAY higher than mine, it’s hard for us to pay bills when I pay all of them online and his money isn’t directly coursing through there. But something always gets in the way of our perfect little plans. He was supposed to call the utilities and put my name on them so that I could talk to them, but he hasn’t. So when Telus called today and I tried telling them that we’ll be paying them off on Friday, they basically said that he’d have to call and tell them that. Which is just that much harder when unless someone is leaning on his shoulder reminding him, he can’t remember that stuff during his work day…

I’m stressing, if you can’t tell. I don’t know why I’m stressing, I just am. Today feels like a day full of pressure and I feel like again, all the weight is directly on my shoulders. Like if I make one tiny mistake the whole world will crash down around me. I don’t know why I do this to myself all the time. It’s like I can’t let myself just be happy or satisfied. I’m determined, apparently, to keep myself in the negatives and the horrible destruction and the bad ju-ju…

The Boyfriend is NOT Alfie…

It has not been a good couple of days these last few ones. It’s been stressful, I’ve been sad and I feel like there is absolutely no light to end of this tunnel. It started with a visit from my landlord, just adding to the stress of all the things we’re already stressing about. After exchanging words with him, he gave us a 24-hour-notice to come into the house. The Boyfriend was wonderful and missed many good hours of sleep to help me get the house decent enough for the landlord’s inspection. Who knows what exactly will come out of all of that.

We threw out so many things though. Literally just went into the kids room with shovels and garbage bags and everything went in there. Toys, clothes, garbage and even some things that I would want to consider sentimental. At first, I was barely phased at all by it. I just kept on working. But then, we got to our room and there was just so much stuff in there that I would’ve preferred to keep, and it was incredibly sad for me. I felt like I was throwing away my past. I felt bitterly angry with the kids.

Then, my sisters kids are down for a couple weeks. And while that part of it has me more than thrilled (especially being that I rarely get to spend this much time with my niece and nephew), it is just another stress. Last night had to be one of the roughest nights I’ve had in a long time as we were asked to take all 6 kids for a couple hours so my Mom could get some of her own stuff done. And while the actual experience itself was surprisingly wonderful, we returned back to our house to discover that our power had been disconnected and 6 kids and no electricity tends to be a pretty big pain in the butt, even more so when you take into account the 4 boys and their obsession with gaming.

Upon realizing that we didn’t have enough bowls for breakfast in the morning, I just called my Mom and we all came and slept at her place. First time in months that The Boyfriend and I have slept in a real bed!! Not a mat on the floor… But it’s just adding to my sour mood. I mean, not the fact that I slept at my Mom’s place, but the fact that I’m never prepared for anyone to do anything. I can’t have people sleeping over at my house, because it’s either too dirty or I don’t have what I need. I feel like a crappy mom and a crappy aunt.

Every single day though, I can feel myself getting ready for the changes that are about to commence. I’m absolutely sick of living life this way. This unorganized, messy, unprepared, not ready for anything type of life. I’m done with it! I’m ready to start fresh and create routines and clean every single day. Unfortunately, we’re still weeks away from moving and the impatience of it all is killing me. I am tired of waiting and just want to get this show on the road already. I need it, The Boyfriend needs it and our family needs it.

We were supposed to get to go see the place in the middle of July, but now we won’t get to see it until our move-in date, which is seriously bumming me out. I’d really like to know what we’re getting into and what we’re going to need, outside of all the stuff we already know. For instance, how many bathrooms does this place actually have? Do I need to get one garbage can for bathrooms or two? Where are all the bedrooms? Is that going to affect the type of beds we can now get? Will I have a place that I can put a dining room table or are we going to have to get creative? I don’t like knowing so little about the place that we’re moving to.

Then, The Boyfriend leaves for his training on Sunday. I am beyond stressed about that and so is he, but for completely different reasons. I’m trying so hard to be the supportive girlfriend in every way I can possibly think of, but it is being much harder than I had expected it to be. The Boyfriend is more stressed about it than I’ve ever seen him over anything before. He hates the idea of leaving us for 5 days. I, on the other hand, feel the same jealousy towards him getting this “vacation” from the kids as I do for their Dad never being around. It took me all week to figure out that this was what was really bugging me.

It took until Kaeidyn began freaking out that he was leaving us for good before it even slightly clicked for me. I didn’t fully realize it until The Boyfriend expressed that he was upset that I wasn’t more upset about him going. At first, I stammered and stuttered through, “It’s because I think it’s important for you to go, so I don’t want to talk you out of it in anyway” and then I kind of snapped, “I’m trying not to feel the same way about this as I do about Alfie. He’s always getting a break from these kids and now you’re getting it too and I just want to know, when the hell my break is going to be?”. I think we were both kind of taken aback by this thought. I hadn’t realized that that’s what I was feeling and I don’t think he ever thought that I would put him in the same category in any way as Alfie. The big difference though, and I just keep reminding myself of this over and over again, is that The Boyfriend doesn’t want to leave, Alfie did. The Boyfriend would rather not leave me with the kids and has caused himself so much stress just worrying about it, Alfie never thought any of that. I need to remember that The Boyfriend is not Alfie…

I just need for the next two weeks to go by so fast!! I need them to whiz by like nothing. Ideally, I’d just sleep through them…

Projecting Past Relationships

So it’s now it’s almost been a week since the last fight that The Boyfriend and I got into (a minor one, but a fight nonetheless) and I still feel like the entire issue hasn’t been resolved, even though we’re both acting like it has been. Him especially. Unfortunately, it’s causing me more emotional turmoil with each passing day. And now it’s not because of anything to do with the original issue.

Yesterday was an incredibly rough day to start out with. My Mom had asked, “How are you and The Boyfriend doing?” and next thing you know, I was snapping all over the place about it. I thought it wasn’t that bad, but then I realized that I was still really rattled by it. Ever since, it seems like I’m finding faults in The Boyfriend that I never thought he had before, all because of this stupid incident.

I’m not sure if it was my Mom or me who put it out there that maybe I was projecting a little bit (a massive under-exaggeration) of what Alfie and I’s relationship was onto what The Boyfriend and I’s relationship is. It’s hard when you spend 6 years of your life with a person, and there is so much betrayal and lying and sneaking around, to remember that not every guy is going to be like that. To remember that just because I was so badly hurt by Alfie doesn’t mean that The Boyfriend is out to badly hurt me too.

I can’t believe how much I’ve written about this in the last few days. My notebook at work has a good 7 or 8 pages dedicated just to this situation (with the odd, “Oh my word, work is being incredibly boring today” thrown in there). I keep trying to convince myself that I’m not wrong for being upset about this and it sucks, because I really am upset about it. Again, it’s not the app, it’s the reaction. And I keep thinking that his reaction, or lack thereof,  is speaking much louder than he ever could about how he feels about this relationship. And I hate hate hate that!!

I just wish we could go back to before I found out about this. Then again, at some point, I’d probably find out about it and imagine how much more upset I’d be if this was something he kept from me for months and months on end. For all I know, it has been months… I also keep thinking, if it was such a tiny and insignificant thing, why did he want to keep it hidden? I keep wondering, what was really on there. And of course, he’s deleted it now, so there’s no way I’ll ever be able to confirm whether or not he’s lying or telling the truth. And that bugs me a lot.

I keep saying that all I want is an apology. But really, all I want is for him to take accountability for his actions. That was always my biggest contention in Alfie and I’s relationship, is that he would never be accountable for the things that he did. Instead, he’d find a way to blame it on me, or blame it on his family or mine. So of course, because he won’t take accountability, he won’t acknowledge that what he did was in any way wrong (and it was because he knew it would make me mad), I automatically start thinking “He’s just like Alfie”… And slowly everything snowballs to all I can see and hear is Alfie. Every action, every movement, everything, even though it’s him standing there, it feels like it’s not him and instead it’s the guy that I did a hell of a lot to get away from!!

I hate how every guy I’ve ever dated says to me, “I’m not like most guys!” and I’m beginning to realize that if it walks like a guy, and talks like a guy, then it’s a freaking guy! And I really truly believed that The Boyfriend was nothing like most guys. I’ve gone through the last 3 years thinking he’s more compassionate, more sensitive, more caring, more respectful, more loving, etc. than most guys, and this one little thing is completely proving me wrong. Because a compassionate, caring, sensitive and respectful guy, in my opinion, would not carry on doing things that he clearly knows upset his girlfriend. He knew the second he downloaded that app, that if I found out about it, I would be upset.

And the worst part of it all is, we’ll never freaking know. We’ll never know if he would’ve just let me find that app, how I would’ve reacted to it. He didn’t even give me the chance to be upset about the app. Instead, I get to feel upset about all the things that I believe this now means. Which is definitely far worse than just being upset about the app. Now on top of upset, I feel hurt and I’m in hardcore questioning everything that our relationship has been mode.

It just all seems so much more complicated and complex than it could have been and that’s just bugging the crap out of me. It could’ve been so different…

NOTE: This was written a day or two ago and it seems that things have died down. I haven’t been thinking about the incident as much and while nothing has been said about the incident, I do feel like his overall demeanor towards me has been that of minor remorse. I don’t think he ever thinks ahead of time of how what he does affects other people. I guess this is just another one of those issues we’ll be continuing working on overcoming. Next time though, it better be different!!

A Real Rant!

Man oh man! This whole blogging thing is getting so hard for me. Crazy hard for me. I have changed so much. In the beginning of my blogging, I didn’t care a lick if people didn’t like what I had to say. I wrote whatever I felt like writing with little regard to what people might think or how they might feel about it. Now, it seems like it is totally controlling me and stunting my writing.

I keep starting posts and then I’m like, “Oh, so and so will get upset if they see this!” and then I won’t publish the post. I’ve got about 20 posts that are sitting there half done because I’m worried about what people will think or what they’ll think I think of them or whatever like that. Frankly, I’m sick of censoring myself so much. And yet, here I sit, with all those posts talking about the not-so-happy aspects of my life or of the happy aspects of my life, not publishing any of them, because I don’t want any confrontation. It sucks…

The worst part about the whole thing is I’m constantly in that questioning state of mind. I don’t want to voice opinions, because my opinions are constantly changing, my thoughts are constantly changing. I don’t want to make it sound like I have these formed thoughts, when I know that I don’t.

I’m also having a hard time getting my point across lately. I read through those 2o or so posts that I have sitting there saved, and I just keep thinking that my writing is going downhill. I’m having a much harder time writing about my life lately, than I’ve ever experienced before. Not that I’ve changed my mind about the fact that someone out there might find something in my blog of use in some way, I just am having the hardest time in the world writing about it.

It’s actually really bringing me down. I went from being the girl that wrote in a journal everyday, to the girl that blogged everyday, to what I am now, where I’m maybe writing once a week. Not even! I despise it, because I get so much joy and comfort from writing. I feel like it’s the greatest way that I express myself and lately, I’m just not feeling that at all.

Things have also been a little crazy lately, so writing has taken a huge backseat. Now that I’m working full-time, once I get home, it’s time to make dinner. And then shortly after that, it’s bed time and by that time, all I want to do is be close to The Boyfriend. I’ve been feeling profoundly in love with him lately.

He’s been really truly amazing lately. Not that he hasn’t always been amazing, it’s just that I’m becoming more and more aware of it. Today was the absolute topper of the cake and I have been in awe of him ever since.

We had gone over to my Mom’s for dinner and of course, Chef had to be home from work. It’s getting harder and harder for me to stand her alcoholic boyfriend, especially as they get ready to buy a place together. My brother was also there and while he’s doing 90% better than he’s been for awhile, he’s still just not very smart.

My Mom’s been all stressed out because my brother kept saying that he wasn’t going to be able to pay his rent at the end of the month. He keeps saying that he can “handle being homeless” until he can get a job and save up enough for damage deposit on a place. My Mom is not okay with him being homeless, none of us are, but we’re all hesitant to take him into our homes for any length of time. It wasn’t that long ago that he got out of a mental institution and was essentially disowned for refusing to take medication or even seeing a counselor…

It gets brought up because he says that he’s got a new job. The brother that’s not so swift, went and gave his notice at his place instead of trying to work something out so that he doesn’t get evicted. He doesn’t even know if he’s actually going to get evicted. I get a little hissy and say something to him about it and within seconds, my Mom is yelling for everyone to just stop talking about it.

Well, her boyfriend can’t keep his alcoholic mouth shut and just kept going off about it. She tries to tell him to stop and he just keeps carrying on. She goes out to the kitchen to “cook dinner”. I go out there to try to be comforting and it blew up in my face like you wouldn’t believe.

She was visibly upset about the conversation and made it very clear that she no longer wanted the discussion to continue. I told her that I wouldn’t stand for his lack of respect for one second. If I were her, I would do more than just politely ask him to stop. She snapped at me to stop but him it’s a nice, “Chef, I’d really like for you to stop now”, to which he completely ignored and just kept on beaking.

She turns around and says something along the lines of she doesn’t think I should be talking when I let Alfie get away with all the shit he gets away with. “It’s not like you stand up to him!”. That was officially my breaking point. I walked away and sat down in front of The Boyfriend and said that as soon as we were done eating, we were leaving. Then, for the first time in months, I burst out into tears.

I just hate when she tries to compare what happened/is happening between Alfie and I with what is happening between her and Chef. Because it’s not the same thing at all. I said something about how I would yell and scream to make him stop and she says something about how with him it’s not worth the waste of breath because it’s not like he’ll stop anyways. And while she’s 100% right, when I was with Alfie, I wasted my breath. I yelled and screamed all the time.

I personally think that if you’re going to choose to stay in a bad relationship, you shouldn’t just sit back and take it. No one should think they are so worthless as to allow someone to disrespect them on a daily basis. It just made me so upset.

I also learnt from the horrible mistake that was Alfie. And, I’ve gone above and beyond to change things between him and I. Argh… Here comes the not getting my point across thing…

The big thing that sticks out in my mind is that I have three kids with Alfie. I worked hard on our relationship constantly, even if he wouldn’t, for the sake of the kids. I went and got myself help on numerous occasions for the sake of the kids and for Alfie and I’s relationship, whether it was apart or together. And I made the ultimate decision to leave the guy and become much more of a hard ass when it came to what I expected of him as the father of my children!

It’s hard to really say what I’m trying to say without hashing out all the shit that went down between Alfie and I, but frankly, it’s pointless and painful. But when my Mom throws it in my face, it makes me feel like an absolutely horrible and stupid person. It makes me feel like a damned fool!

I made a hell of a lot of mistakes for all the wrong reasons and I will pay for that forever. I put my kids in a lot of situations I always said I never would for all the wrong reasons. And I’m doing everything in my power to right those wrongs. When she said that I didn’t stand up to him, it made me so angry.

I kept the kids from talking to him for over a month because he had wronged them. It felt absolutely horrible to do it, but it had to be done. He can’t be a fluctuating force in the kids life, he needs to be a constant. He can’t just choose when it’s most convenient for him to have kids. It’s either he has them or he doesn’t. And I struggle every single day to remember that you don’t just deserve your kids because your sperm produces them, just as I don’t deserve the kids because I carried them. You have to seriously put effort into it!

The big thing for me was that while I may have made a lot of stupid decisions, I never just sat back and took the shit. I tried, in so many ways, to stand up to his shit. It may not have worked and sometimes it back fired horribly, but at least I tried. I wasted more than enough breath. And never did I allow him to disrespect me. I’m not saying that it didn’t happen, because it did for a really long time, but I never just sat back and took it. It didn’t matter how drunk or sober he was!

After that comment from her, I was visibly upset and The Boyfriend could tell. The more I thought about it, the more I cried and he was the most perfect and amazing comfort at that moment. He held me close, even though he really had no idea what I was upset about, and as I’ve probably wrote before, he didn’t push me to tell him anything. He waited until I was ready and that felt spectacular. Once he learnt it was an Alfie thing, he quickly transformed into the super-protective boyfriend.

We stepped out on the balcony so that I could bawl my eyes out without worrying about my Mom asking or saying anything. It’s always my breaking point, the one thing that I can’t stand and the one thing that I can never fully express to her the difference between me and Alfie and her and Chef. Somehow in those moments, I felt like The Boyfriend was my protector and savior. Like he was defending my honor. Every single time I try to write it out, it doesn’t sound right at all, so I’m not even going to bother to to try anymore, but it was an incredible feeling and one that I don’t ever remember feeling and one that I hope I don’t ever forget.

Needless to say, it’s been a mushy night with The Boyfriend, a kind of sad night being that Alfie is on my mind and a bit stressful because I’m seriously considering trying to work out a way that, for the week that Chef is in town every month, for the kids to not be around that shit.  Because if I won’t let a toxic man like Alfie be in the kids life on any type of regular visit outside a couple of hours when he comes here, why the heck would I let a toxic alcoholic man like Chef around the kids everyday for a week straight?

Well, there’s my rant. No regrets!