The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

The Boyfriend is NOT Alfie…

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It has not been a good couple of days these last few ones. It’s been stressful, I’ve been sad and I feel like there is absolutely no light to end of this tunnel. It started with a visit from my landlord, just adding to the stress of all the things we’re already stressing about. After exchanging words with him, he gave us a 24-hour-notice to come into the house. The Boyfriend was wonderful and missed many good hours of sleep to help me get the house decent enough for the landlord’s inspection. Who knows what exactly will come out of all of that.

We threw out so many things though. Literally just went into the kids room with shovels and garbage bags and everything went in there. Toys, clothes, garbage and even some things that I would want to consider sentimental. At first, I was barely phased at all by it. I just kept on working. But then, we got to our room and there was just so much stuff in there that I would’ve preferred to keep, and it was incredibly sad for me. I felt like I was throwing away my past. I felt bitterly angry with the kids.

Then, my sisters kids are down for a couple weeks. And while that part of it has me more than thrilled (especially being that I rarely get to spend this much time with my niece and nephew), it is just another stress. Last night had to be one of the roughest nights I’ve had in a long time as we were asked to take all 6 kids for a couple hours so my Mom could get some of her own stuff done. And while the actual experience itself was surprisingly wonderful, we returned back to our house to discover that our power had been disconnected and 6 kids and no electricity tends to be a pretty big pain in the butt, even more so when you take into account the 4 boys and their obsession with gaming.

Upon realizing that we didn’t have enough bowls for breakfast in the morning, I just called my Mom and we all came and slept at her place. First time in months that The Boyfriend and I have slept in a real bed!! Not a mat on the floor… But it’s just adding to my sour mood. I mean, not the fact that I slept at my Mom’s place, but the fact that I’m never prepared for anyone to do anything. I can’t have people sleeping over at my house, because it’s either too dirty or I don’t have what I need. I feel like a crappy mom and a crappy aunt.

Every single day though, I can feel myself getting ready for the changes that are about to commence. I’m absolutely sick of living life this way. This unorganized, messy, unprepared, not ready for anything type of life. I’m done with it! I’m ready to start fresh and create routines and clean every single day. Unfortunately, we’re still weeks away from moving and the impatience of it all is killing me. I am tired of waiting and just want to get this show on the road already. I need it, The Boyfriend needs it and our family needs it.

We were supposed to get to go see the place in the middle of July, but now we won’t get to see it until our move-in date, which is seriously bumming me out. I’d really like to know what we’re getting into and what we’re going to need, outside of all the stuff we already know. For instance, how many bathrooms does this place actually have? Do I need to get one garbage can for bathrooms or two? Where are all the bedrooms? Is that going to affect the type of beds we can now get? Will I have a place that I can put a dining room table or are we going to have to get creative? I don’t like knowing so little about the place that we’re moving to.

Then, The Boyfriend leaves for his training on Sunday. I am beyond stressed about that and so is he, but for completely different reasons. I’m trying so hard to be the supportive girlfriend in every way I can possibly think of, but it is being much harder than I had expected it to be. The Boyfriend is more stressed about it than I’ve ever seen him over anything before. He hates the idea of leaving us for 5 days. I, on the other hand, feel the same jealousy towards him getting this “vacation” from the kids as I do for their Dad never being around. It took me all week to figure out that this was what was really bugging me.

It took until Kaeidyn began freaking out that he was leaving us for good before it even slightly clicked for me. I didn’t fully realize it until The Boyfriend expressed that he was upset that I wasn’t more upset about him going. At first, I stammered and stuttered through, “It’s because I think it’s important for you to go, so I don’t want to talk you out of it in anyway” and then I kind of snapped, “I’m trying not to feel the same way about this as I do about Alfie. He’s always getting a break from these kids and now you’re getting it too and I just want to know, when the hell my break is going to be?”. I think we were both kind of taken aback by this thought. I hadn’t realized that that’s what I was feeling and I don’t think he ever thought that I would put him in the same category in any way as Alfie. The big difference though, and I just keep reminding myself of this over and over again, is that The Boyfriend doesn’t want to leave, Alfie did. The Boyfriend would rather not leave me with the kids and has caused himself so much stress just worrying about it, Alfie never thought any of that. I need to remember that The Boyfriend is not Alfie…

I just need for the next two weeks to go by so fast!! I need them to whiz by like nothing. Ideally, I’d just sleep through them…

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Author: Valerie Rayne

Valerie Rayne is a 26-year-old, curious, creative, kinky, musical, blog-a-holic and mom of four. She is the administrator of Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, a free social networking community for sex bloggers and the facilitator of The Erotic Writers Group on Google+.

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