It must be the age or something. You know how some women go through “baby fever”, while I think I have a case of “wedding fever”. A couple weeks back, while visiting my Mom, I was watching My Teen Wedding, which I just thought was truly craptastic. First of all, if you’re legally allowed to buy you’re own booze, you’re no longer a teenager. If you can be committed of a crime to the fullest extent of the law and no longer can you be tried as a minor, you’re a freaking adult! So, the title of the show alone is deceptive. They should just call it “Young Dumb People Getting Married!”. Anyways, so not the point
But while watching this show, I was apparently very angry about not being married already. I was snapping at the TV, telling the room that there was no way I was going to be a 30-year-old bride and being generally negative and bitchy towards this TV show. And as the weeks have passed, the whole being married, wedding thing has been on my mind alot. Though I didn’t really realize it until yesterday when I was on Pinterest, and found all these awesome pins for wedding ideas. And as I saved them to my board, “Not Getting Married, But If I Did…“, I started to notice that I was seriously picturing a wedding someday in my life.
I went through a short phase of “wedding fever” when I was about 19 or so. Sometime right before I found out I was pregnant with Kenzie. I would get bridal magazines and cut all my favorite things out, but I never considered that it would actually be for me. I used to say that I wasn’t going to get married unless I could have my dream wedding. And if you thought Donald & Melania spent a lot of money on their wedding, then you’ve definitely never seen the dream plans for mine!
But now, it’s different. I could care less about my dream wedding and instead just want to have a wedding. Honestly, I just want someone to want to marry me. I want to be proposed to, and I want to be stressed out by the minute details and I want to walk down the aisle to my teary-eyed future husband. And I don’t know why at all. It’s not like getting married would change much of anything for me, besides the fact that I’d be further in debt.
As it is, we’ve lived together long enough that I’m entitled to half of everything he owns and next year, we’ll have to file our taxes together. All that would change by getting married is that I’d have a piece of paper that said it and hopefully I’d have a ring. It’s not like marriage would change that much for us. But that doesn’t seem to be stopping the wrath of this fever, that has me doing nothing but thinking about it and dreaming about it.
Most of all, I think it’s so encompassing to me, because for so many years I’ve said that I won’t get married. I won’t buy into that institutuion. I don’t need a paper to validate my relationship and I don’t need to get married. So I’ve spent most of my life saying that I don’t want to get married, that it’s not important to me, that it’s not something I seriously want, that now that I’m constantly thinking, I want to get married and it is important to me and that I’d like to get married before I’m 30 (only 5 years away…), it’s a little bit confusing. It’s like I’m questioning all my old thoughts and beliefs surrounding marriage and it seems like it’s kind of a waste.
First of all, I can’t really picture The Boyfriend proposing. It’s too much pressure for him. Plus, he’d probably be so worried that I’d say no that he’d chicken out. That, or it wouldn’t even be like proposing. It would be like in Sex and the City (The Movie), when Big and Carrie just sort of agree on getting married.”Well, should we get married?”, ”I suppose, it kind of makes sense doesn’t it?”, ”Okay, then we’re getting married!” and I’d be pissed about that. Because part of the fun of getting married is being asked!
Second of all, I can’t really picture us getting married soon after a proposal, if it even happened. We’d get engaged and then we’d stay in that state for the next 9 or 10 years. For whatever reason. And while I think it’s honorable for those who do it, I couldn’t imagine looking down at an engagement ring every single day, and knowing that my wedding day could be years off. I couldn’t stay happy in my relationship, knowing that we want to get married, but aren’t.
I just can’t really see it in my future. But, a part of me, wants it so bad. It’s a very confusing time for me… Just had to get that off of my chest!